


The record shows I took the blows

by Toomanyfandoms99



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-25
Updated: 2018-10-25
Packaged: 2019-08-06 23:51:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16397435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Toomanyfandoms99/pseuds/Toomanyfandoms99
Summary: Dean hadn’t heard from Castiel in two weeks.And sure, this was kind of the norm at this point.  Cas wasn’t one to stick around — for some reason that Dean couldn’t discern.  He would fly off someplace else after each hunt was over, going who knows where.  Dean couldn’t persuade him to stay for much longer than that.  Cas always had something to do, presumably.Dean would admit it: that bothered him.  More than it probably should.





	The record shows I took the blows

**Author's Note:**

> The title was taken from the classic song “My Way” by Frank Sinatra, also indicated in the fic with ellipsis. Enjoy!

Dean hadn’t heard from Castiel in two weeks.

And sure, this was kind of the norm at this point. Cas wasn’t one to stick around — for some reason that Dean couldn’t discern. He would fly off someplace else after each hunt was over, going who knows where. Dean couldn’t persuade him to stay for much longer than that. Cas always had something to do, presumably. 

Dean would admit it: that bothered him. More than it probably should.

He thought they were friends. But Cas didn’t visit Dean or Sam unless there was some sort of professional context, like a hunt. Unless there was a clear line between Castiel and the Winchesters that couldn’t be crossed under any circumstances.

Dean knew with complete certainty that Cas cared about him and Sam. He just had a funny way of showing it.

Dean had had enough, though. Two weeks, and not a peep from Cas. Not a single phone call. And he tended to call every few days.

That’s why he summoned Gabriel, with his brother as backup.

The archangel had recently revealed himself to be alive. Gabriel had come back not as much of a douchebag as before. His trickster tendencies were all but extinguished. Dean actually trusted him, he hated to admit.

And the way Sam looked at Gabriel differently now was certainly interesting…

Gabriel came to the summons cheerfully. “Sup, Dean. Hey, Sam.”

“Hey,” Sam said, waving awkwardly.

So that was a thing. 

Dean cleared his throat. “Do you know where Cas is?”

Gabriel’s eyes brightened. “Of course. He’s at Heaven’s Hell.”

Dean blinked. “Heaven’s what now?”

Gabriel grinned. “He never told you about it?” He hummed amusedly. “I think it’s better if I show you.”

————

Heaven’s Hell was a skeevy bar located in uncharted territory somewhere along the borders of Arizona and New Mexico.

Gabriel got them inside by disguising them as shapeshifters, Dean and Sam surprised at the throngs of various monsters.

It took all of their willpower not to gank any of them.

This was peaceful and neutral territory, Gabriel explained. A monster version of Switzerland, where they could all have fun.

Rainbow strobes cast light over the crowds, patrons listening to a vampire woman sing on a stage encompassing an entire side of the room. The bar filled up the whole back area, an entire wall of alcohol covering any monster’s needs. A section of wraith alcohols, a section of bloody alcohol for vampires, and other strange concoctions. The space in the middle was either filled with tables or monsters dancing.

Gabriel ushered them to a corner area of the bar, ordering a glowing blue drink for himself. Dean and Sam opted out, refusing to drink something foreign to them.

Sam furrowed his eyebrows at Gabriel as he took a sip of the glowing liquid. “What even is that?”

Gabriel chuckled at their confusion. “It’s alcohol for angels. We call it Holy Water.”

“Ha ha,” Dean said sarcastically. “So, what’s the deal with this place?”

Gabriel picked up on the real meaning of Dean’s question: why would Castiel come here?

Gabriel replied, “you two could be quite exhausting, you know. Can’t blame my little bro for wanting to drink it off. Or sing it off.”

Sam’s eyebrow quirked upwards. “I thought that angels singing was a myth.”

“It’s not, unfortunately,” Gabriel said. “You won’t get a song outta me, though. I’d have to be really trashed.”

The vampire stopped her song, a round of applause following her off stage. She disappeared backstage, a new performer standing in front of the microphone.

Castiel.

Dean’s eyes widened at seeing Cas without his trademark tan trench coat. A simple suit sufficed in this case, it seemed.

And fuck, that suit.

That. Suit.

Dean shut down his thoughts. He didn’t need his feelings for Cas to get in the way right now.

A piano began an old melody, and Castiel sang.

...And now, the end is near. And so I face the final curtain. My friend, I’ll say it clear. I’ll state my case, of which I’m certain…

Dean was shocked to his core at Cas’s timbre. It was deep, and melodious, and downright breathtaking to hear.

...I’ve lived a life that’s full. I’ve traveled each and every highway. But more, much more than this. I did it my way…

Dean’s mouth fell open the more he heard, and he probably looked incredibly foolish. Maybe even smitten. But he didn’t care. He didn’t give a shit what anyone thought. And my God, wasn’t that just incredible?

...Regrets, I’ve had a few. But then again, too few to mention. I did what I had to do, and saw it through without exemption…

Dean felt the walls closing in on him. Nothing mattered to him but Cas. Absolutely nothing. Dean had never felt this sensation before.

...I planned each charted course, each careful step along the byway. And more, much more than this. I did it my way…

It was tunnel vision. Everything sounded far away. In a completely different realm. Dean just knew Cas was singing, and he sounded beautiful, and he was beautiful, and-

...Yes, there were times, I’m sure you knew, when I bit off more than I could chew. But through it all, when there was doubt, I ate it up and spit it out. I faced it all and I stood tall, and did it my way…

Dean wasn’t afraid to admit it to himself. Castiel was fucking beautiful. He couldn’t ignore his feelings anymore.

...I’ve loved, I’ve laughed and cried. I’ve had my fill, my share of losing. And now, as tears subside, I find it all so amusing... 

Dean was in love with his best friend. His only friend. An Angel of the Lord.

...To think I did all that, and may I say, not in a shy way. Oh no, oh no, not me. I did it my way…

A crucial bit of information struck Dean like a lightning bolt. The reason Castiel came here was to get away from Dean and Sam. The Winchesters has driven him to drink and spend two weeks at a sleazy bar. Dean didn’t even know what he’d done. He had to find out as soon as possible.

...For what is a man, what has he got, if not himself, then he has naught. To say the things he truly feels, and not the words of one who kneels. The record shows I took the blows, and did it my way... 

Dean developed a new resolve. He had to fix this. He had to right whatever wrong he had unwittingly committed on his friend.

...Yes, it was my way...

Dean wanted Cas to be his something more. As he came back into awareness and heard everyone applaud, Dean knew exactly what he had to do.

A hand waved in front of Dean’s vision. He blinked, turning his head to the side.

Sam, cast in a yellow light from the strobes, asked, “what was that?”

Gabriel said from the opposite side, enveloped in green light, “you were dead to the world throughout that entire song. What happened there?”

Dean cleared his throat, schooling his expression. “Nothing,” he said dully. 

Castiel had taken this time to travel to the opposite side of the bar, not noticing the three’s presence. He ordered the same drink as Gabriel. Dean swallowed thickly at watching Cas throw his head back and take a shot so easily.

Hot.

Castiel settled on a barstool, ordering a second glass. His expression was neutral, but his cheeks were ruddy in the red strobe light, indicating that he was inebriated.

And probably had been for days.

Castiel still looked immaculate. Not a thread out of place. More youthful than usual, even.

The darkness was a good look on him.

Dean cleared his throat again and hopped off the barstool.

Before he could walk, a demon woman started chatting with Cas.

And Cas. Actually. Smiled.

Dean reeled back, Gabriel and Sam grabbing each shoulder and preventing him from falling. 

Jealousy became second nature to Dean in the flick of a switch.

He narrowed his eyes, giving the woman the stink eye from afar.

“Whoa,” Sam remarked. “What’s going on, Dean?”

Dean shot Sam a look. He addressed Gabriel. “Know who that is?”

Gabriel smiled in delight at the question. “Dean Winchester,” he grinned amusedly, “are you jealous?”

Sam’s eyebrows climbed to his hairline. Dean ignored it.

Dean rolled his eyes. “Can I break her face or what?”

Gabriel’s mouth fell open. That was all the confirmation he and Sam needed. It was even delivered in Dean’s usual fashion.

Gabriel caught a movement over Dean’s shoulder. “Looks like you won’t need to.”

Dean whirled around and saw the demon woman leave Cas, obviously having been rejected.

A smirk crept up Dean’s face. Hell yeah. Picking up people wasn’t Cas’s thing, anyway.

Dean felt a pang of regret. That was his signature style. This must be one of the ways he had inadvertently harmed Castiel.

Dean started forward again, Sam and Gabriel letting him go. With lead weights for feet, Dean forced himself to move.

He crossed the bar patrons, dropping into the empty seat next to Cas before anyone else could.

Castiel’s head swiveled to the side, and he froze at Dean’s presence. With cloudy skies in his eyes, he said gruffly, “Dean.”

Dean couldn’t help the somberness that reached his gaze. “Hey, Cas.”

“What are you doing here?” Castiel asked dazedly.

“I was worried about you.”

That threw Cas for a loop. “Worried?”

Dean decided to be more blatantly honest than he’s been in his entire life. “It’s been two weeks, Cas. Of course I’m worried about you. I like to at least hear from you.”

Castiel wore a pained expression. He seemed to have his wits about him, at least. Despite being drunk. “Sorry.”

Dean shook his head. “Don’t be. I’m sorry.”

Cas’s eyes glazed over, but he blinked them back into awareness. “For what?”

“Everything. Absolutely everything I’ve done to hurt you.”

Castiel studied Dean’s expression, then stared into his half-empty second glass of Holy Water. “I, um. This isn’t real.”

Dean clenched his jaw. His guilt was increasing by the second. “This is real. I’m here, Cas. Gabriel brought me here. Sam and Gabriel and I are all concerned for you.”

Cas chuckled, no mirth contained within it. “You and Sam. Right.”

Dean faltered. He had discovered yet another way he had harmed Castiel.

Dean emphasized, “I’m the most concerned out of all of them. I swear to you on Baby. I just want to know why you resorted to this.”

Castiel’s eyes pierced through Dean’s. “It’s what you do.”

The third way Dean had harmed Castiel.

Dean frowned. “I’m not a role model for the human race by any means. Don’t do this to yourself. Please.”

Cas truly listened, pushing away his glass, sliding it across the counter. A fogginess reached his eyes. “What do you want from me?”

“I-I just,” Dean swallowed, “want to be your friend. I want you to tell me when something’s wrong. I want you to know that I care about you. You can talk to me, Cas. Anytime, anywhere. I’m sorry that I don’t get that across. I’m sorry that I’ve been neglecting your side of things. I’m sorry that it took this for me to realize that I need to be a better listener.”

A pink strobe light bathed Castiel’s face. “I...thank you. For saying that.”

“Do you think you’d,” Dean offered, “like to come stay at the bunker from now on?”

Dean had given Castiel a room a long time ago, but Cas rarely used it. He rarely spent time at the bunker, choosing to come and go as he pleased. A nomadic lifestyle wasn’t one that could suit Cas’s needs forever. He would have to settle down at some point.

Now seemed like a good time.

Castiel murmured, “you want me to stay permanently?”

Dean half-smiled. “I’ve always wanted you to stay. Now, would you like to come home?”

Castiel’s cheeks flushed a lovely shade of pink, but Dean pretended it was the strobe light for both of their sakes. “I would.”

————

6 Months Later…

 

Dean found Castiel sitting on the hood of Baby at midnight.

His shirtsleeves were rolled up to his elbows, his dress shirt partially unbuttoned to combat the cool night air. He sat crisscrossed, his head tilted towards the sky. The stars gleamed brightly against the blackness of the atmosphere. Castiel watched raptly at the sight, as if it were the most incredible thing he had ever witnessed. 

Dean had no clue how Cas could find everything so beautiful. He wanted to learn how.

Dean approached Cas on a whim, since he was unable to sleep, anyway. Dean observed Cas’s messy hair and disheveled clothing and dark blue eyes as they settled on him.

Dean asked, “may I sit?”

One side of Cas’s mouth twitched. “It’s your car, Dean. Do as you wish.”

Dean made to move to perch on the Impala hood, Cas scooting to the side to give him more room. Dean sat crisscrossed, mirroring Cas, a measured inch apart from him.

Dean looked up at the sky. “Were you admiring the stars?”

“I was naming the constellations,” Castiel clarified. “There are many out tonight.”

Dean narrowed his eyes at the stars. “They all look scattered to me. No pattern.”

“I can show you.”

Something about the offer gave Dean goosebumps. It wasn’t every day that Castiel gave out information so willingly. Dean had learned to jump at the chance when Cas wanted to speak about himself or the world. He was really quite knowledgeable. Quite intelligent.

Quite beautiful.

Dean had put everything he had into their friendship these past few months. He listened to what Castiel had to say and was more considerate about his side of the story. He asked Cas for advice on hunts and cases. He checked in on Cas daily whenever he had to leave on angel business — Cas always picked up, now. Dean had put all of his effort into making sure Cas knew that he was cared for, and cared about.

Dean smiled easily at the angel he had accepted he was in love with, and said, “I’d like to know.”

The smile was matched by Castiel’s. “Okay.” He tilted his head up, Dean doing the same. “There’s a star with a bluish tint on your upper right. See it?”

“Mhm.”

“If you look below it, there are stars of that same kind.”

Dean narrowed his eyes, focusing. “Those create a constellation?”

“Yes. The star sign of the month, to be exact. Virgo. The Virgin Maiden. That first star I showed you forms part of the woman’s crown.”

Dean traced the constellation with his eyes. “I see it. The stars work as a structure for a person.”

“Yes. There is another constellation as well. On your lower left. More stars with a bluish tint.”

Dean swiveled his head to the side. “I see them.”

“Those form Columba. The Dove. It’s quite strange that it’s out at this time of year. I’m not concerned about it, however.”

Dean traced the stars. “That’s a simple one.”

“It’s how they teach children to chart constellations, I presume.”

Dean finally leveled his gaze, realizing that Castiel had been watching his profile carefully.

He was glad that the night concealed the worst of his blush.

“Having trouble sleeping?” Cas prompted. “I can help with my grace, if you like.”

Dean shook his head. “That’s alright, Cas. I just think seeing Sam and Gabriel sleeping beside one another is,” he shuddered to make his point.

Castiel threw his head back and laughed melodiously, plucking at Dean’s heartstrings. That laugh was one in a billion.

Dean was so gone for Castiel. It wasn’t even funny.

Cas’s eyes settled on Dean’s a moment later. “They can be nauseating. I agree.”

“I’m happy for them,” Dean said, “but they can never just tone it down, can they?”

Cas’s smile remained, brightening Dean’s entire world. “I can’t blame them, I suppose.”

A twinge of something Dean couldn’t name crossed Cas’s features, but was quickly smoothed out into a calm demeanor.

Dean’s eyes widened in realization. A big, dorky grin encompassed his face. “Is it okay if I tell you something?”

Castiel raised an eyebrow in confusion at the swift topic change. “You can tell me anything. You know that.”

Dean felt a case of heart eyes envelop him. He embraced it completely, diving headfirst into the revelation that would change everything for them, for better or for worse. He said softly, “when I found you at that bar a few months ago,” he refused to hesitate now that he had begun, “I heard you sing.” Dean fixated his gaze on Cas’s widened eyes. “A-and, seeing you up there, I realized something about myself. Something that’s been there f-for a long time. Something I couldn’t name,” he swallowed, “until that exact moment. And um,” Dean continued with confidence, “I had this epiphany. I saw what an inconsiderate person I’ve been to you. But not just that. I-I realized something else.” Dean wet his lips, Castiel catching the motion. “I realized that...I was in love with you.” Before Dean could see Cas’s reaction, his next words rushed out of him. “I know that this probably just ruined our friendship, but I needed to tell you. I-I needed to say something. If it makes you uncomfortable, we can just, um, forg-”

Rough hands cupped Dean’s cheeks, forcing him to meet Cas’s gaze. Dean halted in his speech out of pure shock.

What he saw in Cas’s cerulean pools was something soft, something desperate, something pleading.

Something Dean would call-

“Dean,” Cas said, and it sounded different, more meaningful, somehow. 

Dean swallowed thickly, his Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat.

Castiel’s expression softened into something so gentle that Dean felt warm inside. He had never seen this particular look on Castiel before.

Cas murmured, “you have no idea how long I’ve waited to hear you say those words.”

His feelings were reciprocated. Dean exhaled shakily in relief. Thank God.

Cas said gently, “you can kiss me.”

Dean grinned boyishly, his heart soaring into the sky. “Y-yeah?”

“I won’t bite.”

Dean chuckled. He was so unbelievably in love with Castiel.

Dean leaned forward, loving how the callouses of Cas’s hands skidded across his stubble, and captured Castiel’s lips against his. He kept his lip press gentle, hesitant, barely there. His eyes fluttered shut, his heart pounding in his ears, his hands drawing Cas’s body closer, closer, closer, until shirt fabrics rustled against each other. 

Dean pulled away tentatively, meeting Cas’s eyes. His own desire was reflected in deep blue irises.

Cas was the one who leaned in this time, the pads of his fingers digging into Dean’s hair as their lips met. This kiss was more certain, with more feeling packed into it. 

Three seconds elapsed, and they pulled apart shakily. It felt like they had just run a marathon.

Dean exhaled and moved forward again, pressing his lips against Cas’s in tentative touches. Cas kissed him back each and every time. Dean kissed Cas repeatedly, soft little presses, feather light, utterly intoxicated by Castiel’s everything. His aroma, the taste of his lips, the way Cas cradled his face like he was a delicate flower. 

In any other circumstance, Dean would have protested at being treated this way. But he needed to be weak, feel weak sometimes. Let someone else do the heavy lifting. Let someone else be strong.

Castiel could be that person. He could lift the weight off of Dean’s shoulders and set him free from guilt and pain and responsibility. If only for short periods of time. Dean would take it. Anything he could get.

Dean lost count of how many times they touched lips. Seven, eight, nine, ten. Somewhere around there.

Another moment passed in bliss. Then, Dean finally gathered the courage to leave Cas’s embrace. Dean turned his cheek into Cas’s palm, pressing his lips on the inside of Cas’s wrist. He felt ridiculous for doing such a silly gesture, but something about it seemed right. Felt right.

Dean’s gaze slid over to Cas’s, feeling light and weightless and. Really. Fucking. Happy. He exhaled shallowly and breathed, “well, that was somethin’.”

Dean and Castiel huffed out laughs, the air between them transformed significantly. The winds of change were upon them, and Dean welcomed it.

Sensing Dean’s sudden tiredness, Castiel said gruffly, “you need to sleep. Let’s go back inside.”

Dean kissed Cas’s wrist a second time, letting Castiel’s hands leave a coldness on his cheeks. “Four hours, and you’ll wake me, right?”

Castiel slid off Baby’s hood, offering a hand to Dean. He took it, leaving his car be for the night, letting Cas’s warmth settle in his hand. 

As they walked, Castiel said, “a better number would be four and a half hours.”

Dean’s eyebrows furrowed in curiosity. “How is that better than a round number?”

Cas launched into a brief explanation. “It has been proven in the field of sleep psychology that each sleep cycle makes a full rotation every ninety minutes. Two rotations is three hours. Three rotations is four and a half hours. Although I’d like for you to sleep more, these are the parameters you set years ago. Four hours results in an incomplete sleep cycle, which is why you wake up still tired. Four and a half hours means you will wake up refreshed in the morning.”

Dean halted them in front of the door. He leaned his back against the door, Cas a mere inch away. Dean murmured, “you takin’ care of me, Cas?” He smiled. “I’ll keep that information in mind.” He touched Cas’s jawline tentatively, his stubble brushing against his fingers delightedly. “One more kiss for the road?”

Castiel nodded, Dean pressing their lips together softly. 

Fuck, he was going to love doing this. He was already addicted.

Dean pried their lips apart, turning around and opening the door slowly. He sensed Castiel fall into step behind him as Dean settled into bed. Castiel sat across the room, watching over him as usual.

Dean reached for the lamp. “Good night, Cas.”

“Good night, Dean.”

Dean shut off the lamp.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments are appreciated!


End file.
